The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
I’m soy
into you.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
I cannoli be happy
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
I whale-y like you.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink