What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!