It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
But wait—there’s myrrh.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Just brew it!
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.