Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
I wood never leaf you.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.