I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.