Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley