What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.