What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Leaf me alone.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!