“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.

My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out

Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.

How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!

One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

That’s a bit mulch.

What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.

"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous

Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"

"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!

What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!

Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.

Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!

Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.

You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.

I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.

Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

I aorta tell you how much I love you.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.