Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson