Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Dublin over in laughter.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
The superconductor left without resistance.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Girls just wanna have sun!
Shake your shamrocks.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
You're just my cup of tea!
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.