Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.

Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

I think you’re dandelion.

Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.

It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!

What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!

Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.

It's a-boat time we took a vacation!

Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.

Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)

Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.

I know Benjamin Franklin.

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.

Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”

Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.

Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!

Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match

I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four

Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.

Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."

Where are sharks from?
Finland!

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas

How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.

Namastay here or come home with me?