Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
My weekend is fully booked.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"