Thin grippy thick slippery.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
We’ll have a ball.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I'm pine-ing for you.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
This is snow laughing matter!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.