Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Case in punt
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.