What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
So … do you run here often?
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
There’s no trick in these pants.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.