“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
"Some people have no guts."
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.