Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller