Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns