Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
I can get you off the Naughty List.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
He threw three free throws.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.