What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
French, French Revolution
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Nice asteroids.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!