What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.

Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem

How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”

- John Steinbeck.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime

A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.

"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes

Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.

What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!

What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown

What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.

Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar

I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.

"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.

That’s a-may-zing!

Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.

Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!

Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.

What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”