What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.