What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.

Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.

“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”

- Ernest Hemingway.

What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots

How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.

How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"

Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.

Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!

Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!

Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.

What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.

Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around

“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere

We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.

Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?

The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.

Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot

Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.

Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.

Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.

What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.

Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.

Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln

What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.

Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...