What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
I couldn't chair less!
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Life is brew-tiful!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.