What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I hope for world peas.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!