Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.

The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!

What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.

Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.

I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.

Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!

What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!

I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.

Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.

A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...

"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.

When God made you, he was just showing off.

What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Will you be the perimeter to my world?

What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

For you, I would slay two Goliaths.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

When where.

When where who?

Tonight, my place, me and you.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.

What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln

Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.

If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.

The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.

Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus

What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."

Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.

I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers

I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"

When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.