What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.