“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Best in snow.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.