"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Baby, you're a firework.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.