Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
"You're the wine that I want."
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
You’re my lucky charm.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.