Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.