My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Lettuce go on a long drive.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.