Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton