Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis

Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.

What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.

Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.

Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.

"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous

Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.

Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.

Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.

Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!

I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.

Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.

“I married beneath me, all women do.”

—Nancy Astor

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!

“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”

- Weird Science.

Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.

Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.

What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.

What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.

Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss

How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.

“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”

Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.

You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?

What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!

Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"

My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan

Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!