What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
I want you. I knead you.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Seed between the lines.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy