If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Don’t be elfish.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.