What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
You mermake me happy.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.