In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
You're a good egg.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.