"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."

- Sadhguru

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.

I can go 90 minutes without stopping.

Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.

My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.

What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.

“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."

- Whitney Cummings.

You’re unbeleafable.

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"

I replied, "Exactly!"

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"

If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?

I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.

Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...

I want to stick to you like glucose.

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.

What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.

How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!

“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields

You look good on your yoga mat.

I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.