My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Long thyme no see.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash