What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."