"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.