What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Baby, you rock my world!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Pugs and kisses.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.