What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Icy what you did there.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
"Sip happens."
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.