Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.