What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Make it rein.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
I would totally carve your pumpkin.