Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
To get to the other tide.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Ah! The element of surprise.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.