I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Don't fork-get your manners.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Your pace or mine?
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!