If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
Best in snow.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Bone to be wild."
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.