When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
This is snow laughing matter!
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.