Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
You should see what I can do with ice.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.