Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Broken pencils are pointless.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
You raise the bar.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!