Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Readers do it by the book.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Composers always score.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I love you deerly.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.