Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
"Back that glass up."
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.