My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I have bean thinking about you.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
You're just my cup of tea!
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.