Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
You mermake me happy.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
We’re calling your number.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.