What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Love me do
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Whale, hello there.
Summer is just floating by.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri