Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.

I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...

What do you call an old snowman?
Water.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.

What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.

My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.

What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.

Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.

Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.

I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.

"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner

Want to become my new personal best?

What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.

There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.

Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote

Water you doing on [date]?

What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.

You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.

Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.

How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

"It's not me, it's you!"

What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!

I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.

I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.

What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings

Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?

"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”