What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Having a ball
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.