What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
You knead me in your loaf.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
You looked better when I was drunk.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I'd love to see you s'more.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald