What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane

The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.

What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.

What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”

What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.

Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.

Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.

Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.

Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”

Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...

A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.

I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.

Shell-abrate the good times!

I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.

What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.

“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi

Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.

What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!

"Let's have some skele-fun."

I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.

How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.

What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.

The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.

What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive

What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!

My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.

An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.

Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.

Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.

Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.