Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.

Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.

Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman

Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"

Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”

Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?

“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.

What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!

What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.

What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.

Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.

Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.

Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.

If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!

What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.

Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.

Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!

You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.

Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.

Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!