The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown