Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
You look good on your yoga mat.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.