I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Talk literary to me.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
"Time to wine down."
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Your mausoleum or mine?
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.