What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
I’m feelin’ green.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.