Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker