“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”

Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.

What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!

What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!

What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.

What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

"Say you'll be wine."

I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Do you like science because I've got my ion you.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.

“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham

Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash

What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.

I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"

When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."

I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.

Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship

In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.

Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move

Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.

"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous