Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
You’re my soul Santa.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.