What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws

Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.

What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”

What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed

What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.

“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.

Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.

Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.

I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!

You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!

Books on helium are so hard to put down.

I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language

What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.

Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.

"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."

- Unknown

What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.

“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown

How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.

Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.

You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.

The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?

What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!

True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.

All potato puns are pomme de terrible.

"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.