What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.