"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Belize let me hold you.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.