What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
I feel like we're in tune
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.