Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.

People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??

Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller

There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah

I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy

Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!

Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.

Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.

49. What does a child car play with?

Toy-otas.

Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.

Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!

I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.

Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.

Can I have directions?
To your heart.

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray

How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!

Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.

Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.

Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy

That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.

Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.

Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.

“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari

Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.

Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.

How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.

What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”

What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.

"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost