What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Broken pencils are pointless.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!