French, French Revolution
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I like you a latte.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
You just caused a heat wave.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.