Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.