Beer-lieve it or not!
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.