Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I think we're mint to be!
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"