Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
"Rosé all day."
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.