What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
How about we get down to monkey business?
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!