Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
You snow the drill.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!