"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck

Honey, you’re a slam dunk!

A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz

Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.

You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.

Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.

When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!

Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”

- Erma Bombeck.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.

What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!

What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley

"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.

A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.

What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.

“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”

Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.

I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!

Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.

After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.

I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.

“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”

I think I glove you.

The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown

Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.

What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.

Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.

Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”

- Valeriu Butulescu.

Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady

What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.

My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.

Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.

"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld

Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.