I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.