Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.

“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”

“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade

Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.

Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.

“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin

What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.

It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown

"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.

Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.

I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.

Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.

I'm the pun King of Halloween.

You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te

My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.

Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.

What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.

Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.

I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout

What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.

Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!

Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.

Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.

“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”

What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.

Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.

I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.