What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
All punts are highly intended
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.