What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I Tour de Francy you.
That’s a bit mulch.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Let me plant one on ya!
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
You raise the bar.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright