What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.