What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.