For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
You have been running through my mind all day.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Let's Taco about love.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.