Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein