Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?