What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Let's do lunge together
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!