Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
It's ice to meet you.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
I find you very a-peeling.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.