Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Irish I had better jokes.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
You know what they say? Words.