“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Fir sure.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Gold riddance.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Your mausoleum or mine?
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
You make miso happy.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.