A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
I love when you coddle me.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
You're the only sight I want to see today.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.