Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I would love to show you first class.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.