What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
You're acute Valentine.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.