When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom