The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.